What a Toddler Really Hears When You Talk

There's no manual handed to you when you are discharged from the hospital. You, your spouse, and brand new baby are just wheeled out to your car with your cart full of gifts, overnight bags, and (hopefully) free goodies from your hospital room without any type of tangible reference guide telling you what to do if your baby won't stop crying at 3am. Thank goodness for Google!

But there is one thing that not even Google can help parents out with and that is determining what is going on in your toddler's head. I tell my two year old one thing and he does the exact opposite. It can be incredibly frustrating. Just recently, however, I came across the holy grail of translation books: Parent-Toddler Translation for Exasperated Parents. Here, for your reading pleasure is an excerpt of said book.

What you said: "No."
What your toddler heard: "I didn't hear that. Say it again, only louder."



What you said: "Good night."
What your toddler heard: "Tell me about your day. Do you need any bandaids for the boo boo that is all of the sudden hurting? How about a glass of water to quench your sudden thirst?"

What you said: "Don't touch that; it's hot."
What your toddler heard: "I need you to determine if that is hot or cold."

What you said: "We are leaving in five minutes."
What your toddler heard: "Poop in your diaper in four minutes."

What you said: "Hurry, we're late."
What your toddler heard: "Take your time finding your shoes; and look, there's something exciting outside."

What you said: "What do you want to eat?"
What your toddler heard; "Name everything in the refrigerator and five things that we haven't bought at the store in months because you have shown no interest in them."

What you said: "Bath time."
What your toddler heard: "Let's play hide and seek. You hide first."

What you said: "Say good bye to Grandma."
What your toddler heard: "Show Grandma your goofiest face and run in the opposite direction."

What you said: "Time to turn off the iPad/iPhone."
What your toddler heard: "Switch to a new app or start a new video."

What you said: "I'm going to the bathroom."
What your toddler heard: "Check on me in the bathroom every twenty seconds to make sure I'm OK."

What you said: "I'm going to clean the kitchen."
What your toddler heard: "See how many toys you can put on the living room floor."

What you said: "I need to make a phone call."
What your toddler heard: "I bet the person on the other end of the phone line would love to hear you play your drums!"

What you said: "We need to run an errand."
What your toddler heard: "I am going to torture you by making you sit in a metal cart as I push you past lots of interesting things that I won't let you touch or take home with you; but if you shout out where you'd rather go, we'll go there instead."

What you said: "Go wash your hands."
What your toddler heard: "Go play in the sink for five minutes and make sure to get your clothes wet."

What you said: "(child's name)"
What your toddler heard: "(child's sibling's name)"